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Awesome: 40%
Worth A Look: 0%
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Pretty Crappy: 17.5%

2 reviews, 28 user ratings

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Apple, The (1980)
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by The Ultimate Dancing Machine

"It's only a movie...it's only a movie...it's only a movie..."
1 stars

I've just found the worst movie of all time. My brain seizes at the memory. This is not your average everyday New Wave sci-fi Biblical allegory musical. No, this is a very special New Wave sci-fi Biblical allegory musical--I mean "special" in the sense of the Special Olympics. This movie resists summary--like a unexpected car-crash, it leaves you with nothing but fragmented impressions. What happened? What the hell did I just see?

Where to begin? In the distant year 1994, a pair of Osmond-type singers, Bibi and Alphie, battle evil record promoter Boogalow (Vladek Sheybal), who's in fact the Devil in disguise. Our hero and heroine (George Gilmour and Catherine Mary Stewart, both doomed to Hell for this) run about an abysmally tacky futuristic world where everybody dresses like they're at Flash Gordon's S&M party.

Bizarrely choreographed musical numbers appear out of nowhere; the songs run the gamut from bad to very bad. One of them has Stewart wailing about "speed" and I don't think she meant fast cars. And just when you think the movie's gone to Hell, it literally does, and you're treated to a fucked-up beefcake and-and-dance number in a red-tinted underworld in which a near-nude English rock star exhorts Bibi to bite his apple. It's a Biblical allusion--I think.

And it's so very, very gay, up to and including the final scene where a glowing celestial being named Mr. Topps arrives in his equally celestial Rolls Royce to rescue humanity. As I watched Vladek Sheybal wink at the camera while drag queens frolicked about him, I had the distinct impression I was receiving some not-so-subliminal message. But as with all horrible movies, you can't tell what's deliberate and what's not. It would be nice to think it's just a joke when Alphie sings "my back's against the wall" as he leans against a brick facade, but I can't be sure.

Bad movies are one thing, but you've never seen anything so loudly, garishly, in-your-face howlingly bad as THE APPLE. It was brought to us by Menahem Golan, and let's just say that when he later produced BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO and ALIEN FROM L.A., he had since made quantum leaps in taste.

1980 was the year of POPEYE, THE GONG SHOW MOVIE, CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC, and "Let's Get Physical" topping the pop charts for 10 weeks straight--they must have been floridating the water supply with LSD back then. And somehow THE APPLE simply sinks beneath the rest. It's so hideous it ruins the curve for all other movies. BLACK KNIGHT wasn't that bad, was it?

THE APPLE was recently revived by the Nuart Theatre in Los Angeles for the film's first theatrical screening in decades. Hundreds of people showed up to sing along with the tone-deaf songs and shout bad one-liners at the screen a la MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000. I just stared at the screen in horrified fascination and remained as still as possible to minimize the pain. Yes, the APPLE underground is growing.

But are we ready for it?

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=7063&reviewer=223
originally posted: 02/16/03 05:02:16
[printer] printer-friendly format  
OFFICIAL SELECTION: 2005 Boston Sci-Fi Film Festival. For more in the 2005 Boston Sci-Fi Film Festival series, click here.

User Comments

4/20/19 dupadoit yeah baby 5 stars
3/22/11 Lizzie GROSS! No! DOUBLE GROSS! No! TRIPLE GROSS! No! It's SUPER GROSS! 1 stars
3/21/11 Jennifer UUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
5/06/10 art WEIRD! 1 stars
8/28/09 vikas pant an outstanding but widely misunderstood film meant for the class and not mass audience 5 stars
5/05/09 art SUPER SONG"S,THAT"S ABOUT IT! 1 stars
12/24/06 Joanie noting bad in this movie 5 stars
8/19/06 Simon Bartolo Yes it's a bad film and it's so WONDERFUL! B-I-M. 5 stars
6/22/06 AmandaIrene Is there any rating higher than Awesome? That doesn't quite capture it! 5 stars
7/29/05 Andrew seen it 26 times and I'm 51 years old 5 stars
6/30/05 John Bishop My new Rocky Horror!! This film just gets better with each screening. No chemicals needed. 5 stars
1/23/05 Jeff Anderson A FRUITY(no pun intended)GUILTY PLEASURE THAT I CAN'T STOP WATCHING! TWISTED & AMAZING!!!!! 5 stars
8/24/04 P-Vu It puts the mess in messianic! Amazing! 5 stars
3/28/04 Taylor Murphy I can't watch it enough 5 stars
2/27/04 Rich Oh my God! 1 stars
2/17/04 Margarita Ryes the best movie i have ever seen in my life 5 stars
12/26/03 Pevis people just don't understand 5 stars
10/29/03 TEPTIME ugliest film ever made! 1 stars
10/27/03 Adam BEST MOVIE EVER!...and worst, too... 5 stars
10/10/03 Paul O'Brien Just awful. So very awful. But so addicting. I had to keep watching this God awful film! 1 stars
9/20/03 Joe Blowe Set my hair on fire just looking at the box at the rental place? 1 stars
8/16/03 Danoid Kicks the ass of Phantom of the Paradise! 2 stars
8/16/03 joe this movie is insane and i love it 5 stars
8/04/03 bb fr fabulous 5 stars
7/26/03 Tom Hubbard Was that real? I have this frightening compulsion to look again just to be sure. 1 stars
7/04/03 Gary Morris Indescribably insane bullshit but you can't stop watching! 5 stars
5/30/03 James Kendrick Gives new meaning to the word bad! See it! 1 stars
5/21/03 Jairo Vel.. ANY PERSON WHO SEE's THIS MOVIE ...SHOULD BE SHOT (where's my shotgun?...) 1 stars
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  21-Nov-1980 (PG)
  DVD: 24-Aug-2004



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