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Overall Rating

Awesome: 16.33%
Worth A Look: 22.45%
Just Average: 8.16%
Pretty Crappy: 24.49%

3 reviews, 31 user ratings

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Haunted Mansion, The
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by The Ultimate Dancing Machine

1 stars

I hear that THE HAUNTED MANSION is based on a Disney theme park attraction. I've never seen the ride, but from what I can gather, it has something to do with sitting in a chair and being bored insensible for an hour and a half.

I'd literally rather catch THE CAT IN THE HAT again than revisit this swirling black hole of corporatized mediocrity. CAT was pretty lame, and it was lame in a particularly offensive way, as it cheerfully desecrated a beloved children's book. But arguably, its tastelessness gave it (altogether by accident, of course) a certain surreal quality; it's all screwed up in an especially lurid fashion. MANSION is just paint-by-numbers filmmaking, virtually devoid of humor, imagination, or interest. It's so unoriginal that you have to wonder how they got a copyright on a film composed entirely of public-domain materials.

Eddie Murphy is an overworked real estate agent who unwisely takes his wife (Marsha Thomason) and two kids to the mansion of the title. There's no invention at work here; the mansion itself is full of the kinds of haunted house cliches (spider webs, crystal balls, cadaverous butlers, etc, etc, etc.) that were old before Bela Lugosi was born. Screenwriter David Berenbaum provides a drearily empty plot involving ancient curses and quests for various MacGuffins. He's managed to invent a mystery with no mystery--you don't care what's really going on here. (A sidenote: Berenbaum also wrote ELF, currently in theatres. Go watch that instead.)

As for the acting...poor Eddie delivers one of his automatic pilot performances; he's seemingly gotten to the point where he thinks he can gets laughs just by popping his eyes wide open at appropriate intervals. Thomason does somewhat better, though it's hard to tell as she has so very little to do.

A theme-park movie ought to provide mindless visceral thrills, at least. MANSION doesn't deliver on any count. What you're left with is a very pricey commercial for a ride that, one hopes, is a good deal more fun than this. And shorter, too.

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=8366&reviewer=223
originally posted: 12/07/03 03:55:50
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User Comments

6/16/14 dr.lao Not terrible, but the comedy really isn't that funny 3 stars
2/12/10 Jeff Wilder Senator I saw Pirates Of The Caribbean. I liked Pirates. Senator this is no Pirates! 2 stars
8/15/09 the dork knight For a kid flick, it's not too terrible 4 stars
10/12/08 Shaun Wallner This film is hilarious!! 5 stars
4/18/07 Stevo UK Not even worth getting mad about. just pretend it dosent exist. 1 stars
2/02/07 ES Forgettable 2 stars
12/07/06 Stanley Thai A funny family film. Some thrilling scenes. 3 stars
8/16/05 love boring and childish, not very good script 2 stars
6/20/05 darick More unengaging than truly awful, especially to people 14 and over 2 stars
5/04/05 Quigley it'll freak the children out, but it was a clever film. some good digital effects as well. 5 stars
3/16/05 eddie fan #1 eddie, what have you done, what happened to the delirous eddie who said fuck every 30 secs 1 stars
1/29/05 gina THIS WAS THE BEST FAMILY FILM 5 stars
8/12/04 tatum Shut it off half way through, come on, people, Murphy has officially sold out 1 stars
7/21/04 Cecilia Corona Ireally liked it 5 stars
5/06/04 Mark Fulwiler The Disneyland ride is much more entertaining 2 stars
4/30/04 tiffany pate I love it. 5 stars
4/09/04 ramky Did'nt know Disney is this deep in s***!. Older ones are terrific, this one drips!!!! 1 stars
4/07/04 lyndon hasn't terence stamp deteriorated since "Billy Budd'. in 3 stars
2/18/04 Allison Lafferty Watchable light entertainment, nothing more or less. 4 stars
2/16/04 Littlepurch Better than expected. Script not gr8 but Eddie still really good. Too scary for kids tho. 4 stars
2/09/04 Whatevr Proof thet a Disney movie can suck (except for the direct to video sequels) 1 stars
12/09/03 re a good film 4 stars
12/08/03 Simon the Great dhis movie ruled..so funnny eddie murphy is my hero so kool me likie! super kool effects 5 stars
12/07/03 Gray mansion=DARK side of Disney this film=kiddy horror/comedy..sick! 1 stars
12/07/03 ROTK=2004 Oscar!! Put Eddie out of his misery. Slit his throat now. 1 stars
12/03/03 KingNeutron Just goes to show, a good *director* can make a difference. 4 stars
12/01/03 re A GREAT FILM 5 stars
11/30/03 *A Monotonous Creton Who Loves Tom Hulce* i think u all should go to hell, muthafuckers, murphy rulz!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
11/28/03 Angry Black Man wasn't bad, wasn't great. Just O.K. The dvd might be cool though. 3 stars
11/28/03 Reese Witherspoon suckzzzzz Total turd. Someone must save Eddie from himself! 1 stars
11/27/03 k I REALLY wanted to like this movie... but it sucked 2 stars
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  26-Nov-2003 (PG)
  DVD: 20-Apr-2004



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