Crow: Wicked Prayer, TheReviewed By Doug Bentin
Posted 07/18/05 12:46:18
By now everyone must know that Bruce Lee's son Brandon was killed in an on-set shooting accident while filming "The Crow." That spooker was just decent enough to watch, but this third sequel isn't even decent enough to handle without gloves.I haven’t read “Mad” magazine regularly since I was knee-high to an armadillo so I have no idea whether or not it’s run an article called “You Know a Movie is Going to Suck When:” but I hope someone on the staff reads this and sends me a check when they use the idea.
You Know a Movie is Going to Suck When:
1. It stars Edward Furlong looking like Marilyn Manson on Prozac. And you have no idea how hard it was for me to use the words “stars” and “Edward Furlong” in the same sentence. It’s like concocting a sentence with “cuddly” and “Hitler.” Hey, I’m a professional movie reviewer. Kids, don’t try this at home.
I can’t believe Furlong thought making a piece of Nixon movie like this one (to borrow a Kinky Friedmanism) was worth getting clean for. Let’s face it, the guy just isn’t much of an actor to begin with and here he has no script, no direction, and make-up that makes him look like a Hummel Harlequin figurine.
He plays Jimmy Cuervo, who will be murdered in the second reel and will then return as The Crow, avenger and all-round birdman. See, Jimmy and his girl friend (Emmanuelle Chriqui) are ritualistically killed by a gang of escaped cons who want to turn one of their number into the Antichrist. Remember Jennifer Tilly reading “Voodoo for Dummies” in “Bride of Chucky”? I think these morons stole the same book from the prison library.
At his best, Furlong looks about as dangerous as a burnt match. He’s scrawny, he wears long stringy hair and a petulant expression that’s as fear-inducing as Angelica throwing a tantrum on “Rugrats.”
2. The leading lady is Tara Reid. Why didn’t the director of “Alone in the Dark” call the director of this one to warn him away? Has pettiness in Hollywood sunk to this level?
Reid is Lola, the witchy girl friend with the ho ho mojo. By comparison in the Badass Sumbitch Sweepstakes, Reid makes Furlong look like Atilla the Hun on a rainy weekend. If there is a blander, less talented, more white bread working actress in America, you’ll forgive me if I never want to see her. Reid is barely worth watching even when she’s blitzed and her boobs flop out of her dress.
3. The meanest, most evil, most depraved, snarlingest, smirkingest, killingest motherfucker on the planet is played by David Boreanaz, late of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” They say Boreanaz was discovered while walking his dog. Can you imagine how bad an actor the dog must be to lose the part to Boreanaz?
Here he’s Luc Crash, escaped con and wannabe Antichrist. At least he has a goal. If Lola reads the spell correctly (Reid acting the part of a woman who can read is really a stretch) while Jimmy and his girl are being tortured and murdered, Luc can take over the world and then kick the shit out of it. Unless Jimmy turns into the Crow and caws the shit out of him.
3. And a whoring Dennis Hopper accepts another show-me-the-money role so we can all watch his reputation, and his head, slide up his ass. What is wrong with this guy? Can modern art really cost so much he needs to say Yes to scripts with which he wouldn’t once have lined a bird cage? If your favorite Hopper Hall of Shame performance is as Lefty Enright in “Texas Chainsaw Massacre II,” boy do you have a treat in store.
This time out he’s El Nino, a pimp and drug dealer who wears a funky imitation ethnic ghetto hat, imitation ethnic ghetto fur coat, and speaks using a metro street argot that, coming from him, sounds about as believable as Elmer Fudd singing Wagner.
This entire group of actors is hideously miscast in an asinine revenge tale that’s insanely and uninterestingly violent.
Written by Lance Mungia, Jeff Most and Sean Hood, based on a novel by Norman Partridge, the script changes directions midway through. Believe it or not, it actually seems to think it’s funny. Maybe director Mungia realized what a turkey the Crow was turning into and thought, well fuck it. Let’s try to sell this thing as tongue-in-cheek.
Wrong tongue. Wrong cheeks.There may be worse movies released on DVD this week. The masochists among you can always hope. I know there will be worse movies coming along in the years ahead, especially if this gang gets together again. But this chunk of used cat food is bad enough for any season.
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