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Overall Rating

Worth A Look: 19.69%
Just Average: 14.17%
Pretty Crappy: 18.9%
Sucks: 12.6%

4 reviews, 103 user ratings

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Top Gun
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by Chef ADogg

"I feel so guilty."
1 stars

I want to make one thing clear: I only watched this movie because I was tired of getting into arguments with my girlfriend over a movie I had never seen. Quite awhile back, I made Stef (the light of my life) watch "Raising Arizona," hoping to impart some culture upon her fragile little mind. She didn't find it amusing and has been hounding me about it ever since. When she won't stop making fun of that classic film, I simply retort: "At least I didn't like 'Top Gun'."

At this point, she yells, "You've never even seen 'Top Gun'!"


So I decided to bite the proverbial bullet and rent the cassette from the local video store. As soon as I popped the tape into my VCR, I knew I was in trouble--the picture was all fuzzy, which meant that people had watched it. Many people.

And, as we all know, young Chef hates all popular movies. What is it that makes me despise these films so? Maybe it's the fact that you uncultured, ignorant swines have no taste in movies whatsoever. Or maybe I'm just an antisocial dickhead who takes pride in pissing on the hopes and dreams of so many.

Either way, I knew I was not gonna like "Top Gun."

And, you know what? I didn't. My instincts were actually with me this time. In a year of being hopelessly disappointed (The Blair Witch Project, every other movie I've seen) and pleasantly surprised (Summer of Sam), "Top Gun" gave me exactly what I thought it would.

The film centers around a prestigious flight school and the fierce competition for a trophy (or something...I wasn't really paying all that much attention--it's the kind of movie where you don't have to). It all entails a lot of male bonding and homo erotic subtext, plus lots of neat aerial combat (note the sarcasm).

I guess the viewing public enjoys this film for the dogfight scenes, which to me looked like just a bunch of planes. I don't find heavy machinery all that exciting (except for cement trucks; I get hard just thinking about those sexily rotating bastards), so I'm not really the core audience for this film.

I could go on about the terrible dialogue, the illiterate direction, the overall incompetent feel...but it would be pointless, because I know you're going to watch it anyways (for the fourth time). Me? I don't think I'll be viewing it again anytime soon. I mean, I love my girlfriend--but THAT much?

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=929&reviewer=123
originally posted: 08/04/99 00:59:09
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User Comments

9/21/17 morris campbell entertaing macho bullshit 4 stars
4/26/16 Ken Chef ADogg is a fucking moron and can go fuck himself! This film is not bad at all. 4 stars
4/01/13 Caleb If I didn't have a man-crush on Cruise, I could hate this. 3 stars
4/09/10 Jeff Wilder Cheesy as hell. Great cinematography. 3 stars
3/18/10 Omar Anyone who hates this film so much is a jackass. 5 stars
10/18/09 Chad Dillon Cooper Early Cruise classic,topped only by his other" masterpiece" cocktail. 1 stars
7/02/09 cindy Yeehaw, Cruise in uniform ! SEXY SEXY! Love this film. Maverick can park his motorcycle i 5 stars
2/04/09 Faraz J Exhiliarating, exciting and fun. Only a story is missing. MUST WATCH!!!!!! 5 stars
6/11/07 al smith amazing aerial photography still takes my breath away 4 stars
3/06/07 David Pollastrini never saw what the big deal was in this film 3 stars
2/26/07 Asian God 94 My alltime favourite film! People who don't agree are bastards who touch kids.20 out of 10 5 stars
1/29/07 Matt Story is cliched rubbish, but the aerial shots are...WOW! Even after 21 years. 3 stars
1/28/07 Boo I loved it, a classic film. i rate it a 9 5 stars
12/10/06 Bart Simpson Gag -- typical Reagan-era republico-christo-patrio-fascism. Total crap. 1 stars
11/09/06 Sugarfoot Superduper gay. Don't believe me, how do you explain "He's on my tail comin hard!" I 3 stars
7/17/06 David Cohen Being a pilot gets you lots of sex, so join the air force 1 stars
6/11/06 Vince Back in the 80s this was the shit... The fight scenes are still cool. 5 stars
4/17/06 madson I loved this movie i do not know what the other people are talking about 5 stars
4/07/06 matt one of the most overrated films ever 2 stars
2/09/06 JM Synth I own the soundtrack; cheesy but great, I love it! The film? Ugghhh! 2 stars
1/03/06 cody cool air fighter action with tom cruise in one of his best perf., this movie is good 4 stars
8/25/05 ES Quick Maverck! Fire the same missile at the same jet 6 times in a row! 3 stars
8/23/05 Nhi hey, im 15, watched it for the 1st time this yr (05), and i loved it!!! tears and laughter! 5 stars
6/20/05 darick Worth a look just for the flying scenes (and possibly Cruise) but not McGillis 4 stars
6/07/05 Rock-Steady 9000 shower scenes? gayness 1 stars
5/03/05 eddie fan #1 I would rather eat two week old cheese and shit my guts out than watch this 1 stars
2/13/05 Jeff Anderson Anthony Edwards & John Stockwell are great, THE REST SUCKS! 2 stars
1/17/05 Dark Lord "Queer As Folk" in F-15 Eagles. 2 stars
1/09/05 keithers.. Classic Cruse 4 stars
11/19/04 blah cool cruise cruising with cool babe with cool jets and cool direction Cool! 4 stars
11/10/04 kim it is absoulutely brilliant if you havent seen it then you should! 5 stars
9/30/04 Eric Fremen Top Gun is the greatest movie ever, hands down. 5 stars
8/14/04 Alien assassin All flash and no substance - like the Reagan era itself !!! 3 stars
8/05/04 McGraw DOES NOT stand test of time. Bloated, corny, and irritating. 2 stars
8/01/04 Anthony G wow tom cruise is so "cool", I wish I could be as "cool" as "cool" tom cruise 2 stars
7/19/04 Gray good film despite homo overtones in parts 4 stars
4/24/04 Carla it was fun to watch. 5 stars
3/20/04 john strong visuals ina aerial scenes but it's still only a 2 hour music video/commercial 2 stars
3/06/04 Jaco Visser Nice story. Nice actors and actresses. Nice about everything. 4 stars
2/25/04 Dr.Lecter Incredibly boring for a movie that wears its macho stupidity on its sleeve 1 stars
1/16/04 J Is this a chick flick? 3 stars
1/07/04 Jessica I love this movie.... it's a classic! 5 stars
12/16/03 Ronit Great - Super - best of the best 5 stars
11/29/03 john a 2 hour music video - it's somewhere between fun and ridiculous 3 stars
10/29/03 Moparman Great flick.. 5 stars
8/16/03 Alex I Feel the Need, the Need to see it Again!! 5 stars
6/20/03 Vincent van Bennekum story isn't good, but the actors en action are very well 4 stars
5/30/03 Gav gggggrrrrreeeeeaaaaattttt 5 stars
3/28/03 Andrew Gates Tower this is Ghostrider requesting flyby. Negitive Ghostrider the pattern is full. 5 stars
1/28/03 Pinkline Jones Shooting blanks again - refunds for all 1 stars
1/07/03 Lin Rainey Flying scenes great -- rest of the film is mediocre to downright bad. 2 stars
11/06/02 Tim Crap 1 stars
11/04/02 Del Your ego is writing checks your body can't cash! 4 stars
10/18/02 Jay I Can't Swim is a little prick!!!! Tom Cruise at his prime!!!! 5 stars
10/14/02 Charles Tatum Overblown film made to give navy recruits a hard on 2 stars
9/21/02 Kristen Loftus I loved this movie. Every part of it was great. I didnt find anything bad about it. 5 stars
7/29/02 wintermute Cougar was number 1 - You were number 2 - Cougar's Gone Now 5 stars
7/26/02 I Can't Swim Movie is cliche-ridden nonsense; figures dickheads below love it so much 1 stars
5/09/02 raj a magical tommy movie.his 2nd best other than JERRY MAGUIRE .u girls enjoy?? 5 stars
4/05/02 Justin My favorite Tom Cruise film without a doubt! 5 stars
3/27/02 R.W. Welch Enjoyable, if somewhat hokey, Tom Cruise vehicle, nicely directed. 4 stars
3/11/02 KMG I've walked into farts that were better than this 2 stars
2/08/02 Angela Potter I loved it! Tom Cruise is so hot! I enjoyed the great areial footage and flight sequences. 5 stars
1/10/02 Andrew Carden Great Premise Used In A Bad Way, Tangling Between Too Many Subplots. 2 stars
12/06/01 nicky mountney my best film ever, and thats no lye... 5 stars
10/09/01 jay a briliant film 5 stars
9/09/01 kris this is the best movie i have ever seen 5 stars
9/04/01 Crunchy Frog Best example of homo-eroticism since the deleted bathing scene from Spartacus! 3 stars
8/18/01 Edwin Menguin When Dr.Green died, I wanted to kill my dog, then fuck it in the ass 1 stars
8/08/01 E-Funk Minus homosexual overtones...Fun action movie from the 80's. 4 stars
5/21/01 Monster W. Kung It was a big success. However it was crap. Not disgusting crap, just crap. 2 stars
2/25/01 Mister Char over rated 2 stars
2/16/01 James Sorry Cruise fans, Iron Eagle is the definitive flyoy film. 2 stars
2/04/01 Invader The movie is hollywood at its best, great action scenes loads of sex appeal 4 stars
12/14/00 Mic script doesn't know the meaning of "two-dimensional characters", nor do the actors 2 stars
11/27/00 Cristopher Revilla well, it was good, still nice cinematography for those cool fight scenes 5 stars
11/09/00 bruno cruise is the man!!! 5 stars
10/13/00 Lindsay Nixon Awesome 5 stars
9/23/00 Maverick Tom Cruise flies not only F-14 but blond Kelly too 5 stars
8/28/00 Chris Drake Great flying, pointless 'romance'. Titanicesque with wings 2 stars
6/25/00 Jed Ignore ADogg's ignorant review on this classic. 5 stars
5/19/00 Ben Hughes COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
5/08/00 Matt Conway Top Gun is a brilliant film. Hot chick. Cool fight scenes. Amusing story. A top pizza flick 5 stars
5/01/00 Constanza Laureda It's a great movie! 5 stars
4/21/00 yankee decent, the flights are basass, the death is sad, the father thing is annoying,iceman rocks 3 stars
3/06/00 john one of the best movies of all time 5 stars
3/01/00 Kaptn' Bizzm Best movie ever 5 stars
2/10/00 max gardner damn good movie 5 stars
1/09/00 Will there's homoeroticism in this? boy am I naive. 4 stars
12/10/99 Sierra It is a classic! 5 stars
12/02/99 Tim Gerchmez Underrated. The Cinematography is magical. 5 stars
10/26/99 Mary-Catherine Mack The best movie ever made!! 5 stars
9/14/99 Jack Wideman Great Film!! One of my all-time favorites. I give it an 8. 5 stars
7/06/99 Ben Leostein Rating: **˝ (out of ****) Category: "Above Average" 4 stars
5/09/99 Beachlovr9 Excellent movie! And that was Val Kilmer? geez... what happened to him? 5 stars
4/14/99 Jon Jackson Testosterone flick, c'mon it is a little homoerotic 4 stars
2/19/99 Piz Pure guy, buddy-macho flick. Works because of its stars and predictability. 4 stars
11/27/98 Mr.Pink V. Kilmer can ride my tail anytime!! As long as i don't have to see the movie anymore. 2 stars
10/27/98 Silent Rob A picture perfect, 80's staple of hetero/homo eroticism, veiled as Reaganism! 4 stars
10/10/98 {{{OZ}}} The gayest movie ever, but I copped my first feel watching it, so it rules. 5 stars
9/18/98 Badass "You can be my wingman anytime" 3 stars
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  16-May-1986 (PG)
  DVD: 14-Dec-2004



Directed by
  Tony Scott

Written by
  Jim Cash
  Jack Epps Jr.

  Tom Cruise
  Kelly McGillis
  Val Kilmer
  Anthony Edwards
  Tom Skerritt
  Michael Ironside
  Meg Ryan

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