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Overall Rating
4.47

Awesome75.15%
Worth A Look: 11.83%
Just Average: 4.73%
Pretty Crappy: 1.78%
Sucks: 6.51%

5 reviews, 139 user ratings


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Goonies, The
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by Robert Flaxman

"A child's garden of product placements."
1 stars

There is absolutely nothing wrong with making a silly movie for kids. And if I had seen The Goonies when I was ten years old, as most of the people who swear by it seem to have originally, it’s possible that I would think it was great. You’ll forgive me if I consider myself fortunate not to have had this happen.

Steven Spielberg gets a story credit on The Goonies, but I’m guessing what actually happened is he wrote “Indiana Jones with annoying kids” on a cocktail napkin and told screenwriter Chris Columbus to go to town. Presumably unsure of where to go with that, Columbus stocked the remainder of the film with a mixture of caricatures, stereotypes, and hoary clichés well past their expiration date, even two decades ago.

Playing like the first ten minutes were cut, the film opens with the escape from prison of a dangerous criminal. Then we head off to the “Goon Docks,” where the “Goonies” live. Why are they the Goon Docks, when they don’t appear to be anywhere near the docks? I have no idea, except that it means the kids can call themselves “Goonies.” And that’s the title of the movie! It’s apparently the “poor” part of town, but Mikey (Sean Astin) and Brand (Josh Brolin) live in an enormous house. Some rich country club jerks are trying to force the family out of the house, even though it’s not at all obvious how this would make geographical sense, since the country club appears to be miles away. Whatever. The kids also include a “wise-cracking” Corey Feldman, and then the token fat kid (“Chunk”) and token Asian kid (“Data”), because this is an 80s movie and any film with characters in high school or earlier was required by law to have an Asian kid with a funny accent.

While messing around in the attic, Mikey finds an old pirate map attributed to a local legend named One-Eyed Willie. (This is clearly innuendo intended to make savvy older kids giggle.) Deciding that pirate gold can save his house, Mikey drags the other kids on a quest to find it, over Brand’s objections.

While the first half-hour or so is relentlessly silly, The Goonies starts taking itself oddly seriously once the treasure hunt really kicks into gear. Mikey has multiple speeches about how much the whole thing means, including the “classic” line “Goonies never say die,” which might be more meaningful if the word “Goonie” had meant anything to anyone watching more than an hour previous. There’s also a plot about how kids should be nice to deformed shut-ins, and a lesson about how rich people are evil that would have been too exaggerated for Caddyshack.

Sure, we don’t go to kids’ movies for subtlety, but few kids’ movies are this bizarrely stupid even in their moments of earnestness. Beyond that, there’s the issue that none of the characters is particularly likable. Feldman’s Mouth is designed that way, but when even Mikey is pretty obnoxious at times, that’s not helpful. For example, why can’t he say “treasure?” Why does he have to keep calling it the cringe-inducing phrase “rich stuff?” Sorry, I didn’t realize we were playing a game of Taboo.

The frequent product placements are embarrassing in their awkwardness, but maybe they explain why the movie isn’t that good – it was just made to cash in. From cola (I believe it was Pepsi) to pizza (Domino’s – “here, hold the top of this box up in front of the camera”) to candy (Baby Ruth, which even makes it into the dialogue), there’s no consumer product that director Richard Donner won’t shill – up to and including his own previous directorial efforts (Superman makes a cameo when the Sloth character is, preposterously, revealed to be wearing a Superman t-shirt, and a bit of the score is played).

I wanted to turn the movie off several times, but resisted doing so because I don’t like to stop watching movies in the middle. By the time the end came around, with two plot points even more head-scratching than anything that had come before, I wished I hadn’t bothered. (Seriously, a handful of jewels has set your family’s financial security for life? Really? Also, Chunk’s parents are going to be okay with him bringing Sloth home? Yeah? Oh, and Mouth, who was translating the Spanish on the map into rhyming couplets, suddenly can’t do any better with the housekeeper’s Spanish than “no sign?” Really?)

I’m sure there are tons of people who swear by this film because of when they saw it. But for those of you who, like me, did not see it in the 80s, there’s no need to bother. You can’t possibly think this is a classic unless your first viewing was when you were in short pants. It’s dated, clumsy, and annoying as hell. I know it’s possible to make a kids’ movie that adults can also appreciate, but The Goonies doesn’t even come close.

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=942&reviewer=385
originally posted: 07/04/06 14:22:47
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User Comments

6/06/19 ENFANTCHAN822 GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE!! A CLASSIC!! 5 stars
12/10/12 Nellie Hasn't aged well. 1 stars
4/05/11 Jennifer Marquardt great adventure for kids if the swearing was removed 4 stars
1/17/11 Listy This will always be one of the definitive 80's movies, a true classic....great fun. 5 stars
10/01/10 bored mom The one classic kid film where the kids actually behave like intelligent, smart-ass adults. 5 stars
7/01/10 brian Annoying kids, stupid plot, inane dialogue, cliches every minute. What's to like? 1 stars
3/01/10 PAUL SHORTT SILLY, LIVELY AND NOISY 2 stars
8/28/08 Shaun Wallner The storyline is well made! 5 stars
5/13/08 Semper This movie so cartoonish but how evr it makes up for it in its action packed kid way and tg 4 stars
2/12/08 chris a movie to remember when you were a kid 4 stars
5/23/07 mikie ahhh Robert your an idiot, this is an 80s classic. "SLOTH LOVE CHUNK" 5 stars
4/23/07 tony fratelli just pour chocolate on the floor and let chunk eat his way thru!!....fuckin classic! 4 stars
4/05/07 TyBlack This really one of the best moives out there and its a definite classic 5 stars
12/25/06 johnnyfog Love it when Astin chucks his inhaler at the end, "Who needs it." YOU DO YOU MORON!! 5 stars
10/16/06 AJ Muller five of us saw it openingday (last day of school, 4th grade), changed our lives 5 stars
5/28/06 Troy M. Grzych One of the best films ever made. Should have made a sequel when the kids were kids. 5 stars
3/13/06 David avery Excellent movie for the whole family!! 5 stars
3/05/06 Anthony Feor An Adventure movie and a half 5 stars
1/17/06 cody a overated movie, but this movie is fun adventure flick for kids! 3 stars
12/15/05 Ryan The best movie that Spielberg has made. I wish more movies were like this. 5 stars
8/19/05 ES They just don't make kids movies like this anymore 4 stars
8/18/05 Danny SO ENTERTAINING for all ages! 5 stars all the way! Anne Ramsay is hilarious as "Mama". 5 stars
6/01/05 andrew osborn its the best movie of its liftetiome 5 stars
5/28/05 tony Great adventure movie both for kids and adults. You all will love it! 5 stars
3/24/05 Abbi one of my childhood classics! 4 stars
2/06/05 Jeff Anderson Now this is what an adventure should be like, PERIOD! GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
1/21/05 Steve Michaud I love this film just as much at 32 as I did at 12; one of my all-time fave '80s movies 5 stars
1/10/05 Lucas Stenz Good kids movie; Spielberg-esque in tone 4 stars
11/16/04 CHUNK HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY YOUUUUUUUU GUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
10/28/04 Georgie Porgie We all love Mikey and still do ;) I wasn't even born when The Goonies came out! 5 stars
10/17/04 Miles Morley CHUNK-- you rock big fella 5 stars
10/12/04 Mel I <3 the Goonies 5 stars
9/30/04 dru downy all-time classic, makes me tingle 5 stars
9/03/04 T.B. It good kids movie 3 stars
7/18/04 me frog Okay, though lacking originality 3 stars
6/07/04 Erica very funny movie/ made me laugh 5 stars
5/12/04 Vacha my very favorite movie. they don't get much more fun than this! 5 stars
4/30/04 Deformed Guy from Goonies HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY GUUUYYYYYYYYYSSSSSSSSSS! 5 stars
4/13/04 slayathon This was a fave from when I was a kid and I have the guilty pleasure of owning it on dvd 5 stars
4/10/04 Larissa Great,awesome 5 stars
3/30/04 kenny PICE OF SHIT FILM THEY CAN ALL DIE!!!!!! 1 stars
3/11/04 Dave I loved it especially chunk and sloth 5 stars
2/25/04 kelly It is the best of all time 5 stars
2/02/04 Chelsea the movie's older than i am, but it's my all time favorite 5 stars
12/25/03 your worst goddamn nightmare if you didn't love this as a kid growing up, you'll probably never "get it"... 5 stars
12/06/03 john it's honest and fun - the kids are great! 4 stars
11/04/03 American Slasher Goddess They sure don't make them like this anymore. 5 stars
10/19/03 snowconehead Best movie of the entire decade 5 stars
10/07/03 goonies_lover great milkshake of a movie 5 stars
9/03/03 ChanceHead THIS COULD BE THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE EXCEPT AMERICAN NINJA 1 stars
8/25/03 Jenn super-kool flick with an awesome cast of very talented kids! 5 stars
7/21/03 Double G Awesome Movie, I actually looked for a house so I can live in that neighborhood. 5 stars
7/08/03 natasha_theobald great adventure for the kid in all of us 5 stars
5/28/03 Mike Great 5 stars
5/22/03 Yeah! Super Duper the Luxe ! 5 stars
4/30/03 Naton R. Watch this when you have a dip.. it works!! 5 stars
3/31/03 Mr. Do Great movie. 5 stars
3/12/03 kelley jewell best movie ever 5 stars
2/24/03 Angie I love this movie!!!! I have seen it about a million times. 5 stars
1/20/03 Doug Onufro So what if the Goonies isn't the most perfect of movies? If it entertains, then it's great! 5 stars
1/10/03 Amanda i luv it it is the greatest movie ever 5 stars
11/24/02 Charles Tatum Really cool when I was younger 4 stars
11/10/02 Daniel The bad guys (esp. Momma) are a riot! This movie is a lot of fun!! 5 stars
9/19/02 SUZY ITS A CLASSIC 5 stars
8/21/02 TheChronic I must've seen this movie 8 times at the theatre as a kid....God it's AWESOME for a kid! 5 stars
8/21/02 TheChronic I must've seen this movie 8 times at the theatre as a kid....god it's AWESOME for a kid! 5 stars
6/03/02 NWO4LIFE As an adult, if you surrender to it, it's near impossible not to like. 4 stars
3/25/02 Rachael Gran I wached this every day after I came home from school as a kid. 5 stars
3/23/02 Hobbitsrule! I watched this movie for the first time recently (to see little Sean Astin!), and loved it! 4 stars
3/11/02 KevinS THIS MOVIE IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE!!! And for" It got cheezy", SO DID YOUR MOM;0) 5 stars
3/07/02 Mo Anand This is a cool fantasy with great young actors 4 stars
2/25/02 K y L e I love this fucking movie beyond what your mind can comprehend. 5 stars
2/20/02 Xaver Fun adventure with a bit of spookiness at times. 4 stars
2/09/02 L.B. Lafady It's the best ! 5 stars
2/04/02 Nevz You.. GOONIES! 5 stars
2/01/02 Geo7654 Irresistible kids adventure movie. A lot of fun. 4 stars
1/28/02 Toni Lynn Gleason I LOVE THIS MOVIE IF FUCKING ROCKZ! 5 stars
1/27/02 Del Part of my prolonged "80's flashback" 5 stars
11/06/01 Zach Thomas The greatest movie of all time 5 stars
10/30/01 Henry Ginsberg It started of good, but then it just got cheesy 3 stars
10/25/01 shep_ramsay hey you guys 5 stars
10/09/01 Erick Barbor My favorite movie of all time!!! Honestly!!!! 5 stars
9/08/01 Dick you off Fucking good movie 5 stars
9/05/01 Mathias A movie I loved when I was a kid. And I still love it ! 5 stars
8/05/01 E-Funk My favorite childhood film...and it's still gets better every time I see it. 5 stars
6/11/01 Emily Ascue very good...i still pop it in the VCR once in a great while 5 stars
5/23/01 cat this homo erotica perspective is a disappointment and is irrelevant to the film 5 stars
5/13/01 Chunk Funny and fun as hell, if you understand the juxtaposition. 5 stars
5/07/01 Desert Eagle overrated 3 stars
5/03/01 Meagan M. Gaschk A complete classic 5 stars
4/25/01 Sarah Still as great at 22 as when I saw it at 6 5 stars
3/31/01 Andrew Carden How could anyone add this to their top 20 list? 2 stars
3/18/01 Bob Bik 022 This movie was hott. If u dont like it then suck my 9 inch c*ck 5 stars
3/16/01 ender :-D 5 stars
3/02/01 Neil Wetzel It is the greates movie of all time. 5 stars
2/12/01 zachary spiehler it's a great movie with alot of adventure 4 stars
2/05/01 curious george like the review says too much little boy touchy touchy gay molestation stuff 1 stars
1/17/01 Kipling This is my favourite movie of ALL time! 5 stars
1/10/01 Nick Ivins Nostalgic trip to wonderland. The gray scenery is neat, and underground adventures are fun 5 stars
12/23/00 Bryson This is the best fucking movie in the world. Second to none. 5 stars
12/04/00 Lindsay E Goonies has been my favorite movie since kindergarten. It is the best 5 stars
12/01/00 Ashley Duquette it was amazing my all time favorite movie. 5 stars
11/19/00 The EVIL Penguin nice 4 stars
11/17/00 Julie P. Goonies is one of my alltime favorite movies! 5 stars
9/29/00 no 1 goonie fan in the world watched this movie 21 times 5 stars
9/21/00 Jayme Jaques It's TOTALLY hilarious. I LOVE the movie!!! 5 stars
9/08/00 Solana This movie rocks! I believe in pirates, why don't you? 5 stars
8/31/00 JB McMichael The best piece of film ever created. I can watch it 1000 times (and I have). 5 stars
7/24/00 Matta My favorite movie of all time. How can you not like it? 5 stars
6/14/00 Ryan Hamilton Definately, the best teen movie after Ferris Buller's day off!!! 5 stars
6/13/00 Aaron Some stupid moments, but overall a very good film 4 stars
5/31/00 Jim Beam Great Movie! 5 stars
4/30/00 Steve Layne A lot of fun, but at times the movie feels overwhelming. 4 stars
4/11/00 jacob mclean "do you boys lke tounge" 5 stars
3/12/00 Derek BEST MOVIE EVER MADE if your a child of the 80's 5 stars
2/29/00 Alex a fun children's move 5 stars
1/26/00 The Bomb 69 even better 15 years later 5 stars
1/24/00 Lauren Good movie 5 stars
1/24/00 eric farrell pretty good sometimes stupid. 3 stars
1/02/00 Julian Yap i recall seeing this in the cinema as a kid. truly a classic. fun in the whole sense. 5 stars
12/27/99 perverted pixie One of my childhood favourites and I still love it! Chunk and Mouth are brilliant. 5 stars
11/03/99 Mickey "Father Death" MacJohnstmyster This movie is brilliant . Ahah Roc-ky Road ahah , rent it , buy it , go get it NOW ! 5 stars
10/20/99 Anthony Calomeni This is a movie for all generations 5 stars
10/01/99 Matthew Bartley A teenage classic 5 stars
9/19/99 Diana Quattrone Best Movie ever made!!!! 5 stars
9/03/99 Jason Kinsey pretty stupid- I don't know why so many retards liked this film 2 stars
6/15/99 Dylan Fucking ace kids flick. Matures well with age. 5 stars
5/04/99 Big Dog I do the truffle shuffle everyday 5 stars
4/29/99 Angie A TOTAL CLASSIC!!! Chunk, Sloth, and Mouth rule baby!! "Baby Ruth??" 5 stars
4/19/99 Martin I've seen this movie 100 times and I still like it 5 stars
4/07/99 Dave Fun movie! 5 stars
10/18/98 Kwyjibo Come on folks. This is pretty sad if you watch it now. 3 stars
9/27/98 Brandon B. Chunk rules. 5 stars
9/22/98 Johny I liked a lot it when I was younger 4 stars
9/19/98 J-Guy One time, michael jackson stopped at my dad's gas station to use the bathroom. -- loved it. 5 stars
9/18/98 P.S.Lew i could see it a hundred times!!! 5 stars
9/14/98 cheryl_ann the "truffle shuffle" made this movie...well, it was more than that. great 80's flick. 4 stars
9/10/98 The incredible, edible GKR NOW THIS IS A CLASSIC! eat the rocky road chunk 5 stars
9/09/98 Bruce Willis' mama. Yikes. Made me feel icky. 3 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  07-Jun-1985 (PG)
  DVD: 02-Nov-2010

UK
  N/A

Australia
  02-Jul-1985 (PG)




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